"An Explaining Mechanism Kicks In"

If I was a little cooler, I would remember the show that I heard that line on. I bring up the “explaining mechanism” because I think it is one of the chief hindrances to following Christ in genuine community.

We have explaining mechanisms that we use with others in order for us to feel “ok” about ourselves before them. We explain ourselves. We justify ourselves. I catch myself doing that when somebody notices a new product I might have bought.

“I got it on sale…”

“We really needed it…”

Why do I feel the need to explain it? At the heart of what we do when we begin explaining ourselves to others is that we begin answering to them. We begin fearing them and we begin posturing ourselves so that in our day of court before them, we can come out in the right. And the sad thing about it all is that THEY DON’T CARE!

Though no one cares, our posturing hides our true selves from others and puts invisible boundaries to our ability to build friendship. When we are justifying ourselves before others, we are living duplicitously. We are projecting a person we want others to see. What happens is that they never get to know the real person behind ourselves. And neither do we.

A spiral can occur in this situation. The more we project, the more we believe that we are the people that we project. As we distance others from our real selves, we distance ourselves from who God made us to be. When we experience the inevitable dissonance of this false self, an insecurity is produced which accelerates the whole thing even further.

This is one place where following Christ makes all of the difference in our experience of community. If he is the one who justifies us (Rom 3:24), we no longer have to. In the safety of his grace, we can be honest about ourselves to others and our self and then take the long journey, in the company of others, to genuine self understanding. The truth, as they say, becomes our friend.

Richard Foster speaks of this in his chapter on Solitude in The Celebration of Discipline:

“Silence is one of the deepest disciplines of the Spirit simply because it puts the stopper on all self-justification. One of the fruits of silence is the freedom to let God be our justifier. We don’t need to straighten others out…. Perhaps more than anything else, silence brings us to believe that God can care for us—‘reputation and all.’”

Maybe a way for us to trust God in following Christ is to simply say less about ourselves, trust God with what others think about us and focus more of our energies on what others have to say about themselves.

How do we get past the superficial?

So the solution to my situation with my group is to allow a little more authenticity to infect my group. How does that work? Vulnerability is a dynamic that must be nurtured among friends and within groups. If one friend makes themself vulnerable, the response of the people in the room (taking their cues from the leaders and influencers) will shape the way others respond in vulnerability. If genuine empathy is shown in that moment, others will follow (eventually) in sharing from weakness. If grace is shown, confession will follow. A good friend of mine has spoken prophetically that “confession happens in the context of grace.” This is true of our relationship with God as well as our relationships with others.

So, authenticity within a group becomes a process. As each friend expresses their concern, grace and empathy can be shown. (I do not divorce grace from accountability—just wait). As the group proves itself to be a place of grace and empathy, the group proves itself to be a place that merits greater transparency. Then more transparency comes out into the group, once again testing its level of grace and empathy. Once it proves that test, it is deemed, by its members, to be a place that can handle their stuff.

We as leaders need to nurture the environment that makes it a place of grace and empathy. People are lonelier than ever and they are isolated from genuine friendships more than ever—and yet are often more sensitive than ever. We need to be trained in how to be friends. We need to be trained to love one another in a way that shows honor, respect and yet can also express the truth in love.

This can be easier said than done. What ideas do you have? Try this one on. Pray that God will show you (and your group or set of friends) an opportunity to express grace to someone (give them something that they cannot produce for themselves). Cut their grass, help them paint, babysit their kids, give them a gift card, write them a note, etc. When you see it, seize it and draw in everyone you can to participate. Thereby demonstrating to the recipient, and all who participate, that this is a place of grace. It will demonstrate that God is with you. Who doesn’t want to be a part of that?

“You know what has happened…how God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and power, and how he went around doing good….”

Acts 10:38-39